every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer