@relatabledad: every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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@girlontapas: My Cinderella story is backward. I started out a princess. Got drunk and lost a shoe when I met a handsome guy. Now I scrub the floors.
@MoistPork: "He's a jerk. I'm over him anyway. (5 minutes later) Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!" -Women