@CharmandBrains: Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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@AimeeHelene1: *seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you* *grabs last bag of Cheetos* *tucks, rolls, and runs away*
@QueefTornado: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?” Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
@419BillE: Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick