@CharmandBrains: Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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@thatdutchperson: Me: sorry I can't go to the farmer's market with you. Allergies. Friend: pollen? Me: hipsters.
@IamEnidColeslaw: Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
@HatfieldAnne: *takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand “This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
@JasonLastname: LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn't know what to do with his life.