Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky