Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
who will stop them
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.