@iGreenMonk: Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
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@longwall26: I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"
@TheBoydP: It's hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it's parked?
@faulkingway: (Starbucks drive thru) Me: I'd like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me. Barista: That will be $30 Me: How much for the car behind him?