@iGreenMonk: Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
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@Marlebean: My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they'll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
@brothasoul: Mitt Romney: "I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman..."
@HuffPostComedy: Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special 'Live At The Comedy Store'