“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*