*exercises sarcastically*
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
So true for me
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.