Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I don’t know what to do
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.