this… may be the greatest story ever told
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that