Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.