@MollySneed: Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.
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@mynameisntdave: GENIE: u get 3 wishes! ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that's gonna cost you an extra wish
@AsYouNotWish: Wife: How many women have u slept with? Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
@trentistweeting: [me trying to do magic] Is this your card? "No" Is THIS your card? "Not even close" What about THIS? "Trent thats literally a piece of ham"
@panmidwest: USPS: if you pay us $8 we'll deliver your package safely ME: k USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely