Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.