Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch