Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Cheer up.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I think I’ll stand
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.