@darinlovesbacon: Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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@justabloodygame: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
@tastefactory: Girl, did it hurt...when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
@daemonic3: [at funeral] FRIEND: I'm sorry for your loss ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn't get injured FRIEND: I meant for your wife ME: It's ok, now she'll never know I lost
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.