Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
They did not miss in the small print
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.