@darinlovesbacon: Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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@GrantTanaka: As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself "What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?"
@trentistweeting: WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
@jamisondg1: I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out "swag" or "bae" on the Ouija boards
@joshy_beck: There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.