Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Mistakes were made
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.