Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You Might Also Like
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You wish you had this many chins.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?