@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
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@LifeStricken: [Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath "I can't forgive people"
@DrDogMD: Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me. DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
@Dawn_M_: Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn't burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.