@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
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@weedguy420boner: one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
@McNevich: Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We'll wait
@T_N_Crumpets: Rival Gang Leader: Me: Rival Gang Leader's mom: [nudges son] go on Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
@junejuly12: Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out