@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
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@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
@StevenAndrais: Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*
@bossybutfair: If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.