Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.