I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.