Crying is a sign of leakness.
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Looking at you, Jesus.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You know…for fall…
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?