If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.