@thegynomite: Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
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@shopkins776: I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn't know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
@RobElliottComic: When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink
@Smooheed: Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English