[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys