[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.