WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
This week’s mood.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*