EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m giving up for Lent.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.