Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume