Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?