Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars