Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
all that yoga finally paid off
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn