Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine