Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
You Might Also Like
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
i will avenge u mr van gogh
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.