Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.