Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”