My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…