WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”