@Khanoisseur: Every tech conference
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@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
@novicefather: Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."
@Brampersandon_: [Mom]: My son's voice is changing [Dr.]: Thats normal at his age [Mom]: This is normal? *fax machine noises are coming from the kid's mouth*
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"