ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.