Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!