Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.