Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
😲 WTF? 😆
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Word!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.