All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
True
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*