@iscoff: Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't
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@LosLos__: HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.
@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
@c_always_wright: high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
@Vice_Queen: Sorry for loudly singing "Whoomp there it is!" when you took your pants off. It's been a while.