Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!