Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
#Caturday
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho