Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
That was easy.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.