@wickedimproper: Every time "Cops" comes on I'm like "PLEASE don't show my episode."
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@BlackCatBettie: "Just so you know, you're coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
@leshnevsky: Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
@jonnysun: MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb GODZILA: ha ha HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH