[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?