I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”