@MissHavisham: Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
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@KKBowls: I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'
@bambimygirl: It’s almost that time of year when other girls look cute in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my axe.
@taramae72: Just had workplace violence training. It's like HR doesn't even care about the first rule of fight club.
@Brentweets: Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems