Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You Might Also Like
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?