@JessObsess: Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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@ObscureGent: If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.
@Quanty_J: Me: Look. There's a deer. Hunter: Don't spook it. Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
@PaperWash: GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*
@iGreenMonk: Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.